I want to have your abortion
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize