That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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