textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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