I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
