I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
