I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Randomize
