i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
