I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
