My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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