After last night, I could never be a politician.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
