Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize