You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
