2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
