remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got inside last night via doggy door
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
