Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
