my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
