you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
