I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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