in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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