I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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