She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
