apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
