I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
