Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize