ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
