Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize