I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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