I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She made me pour olive oil on her.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
