i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
