Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
