Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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