You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Fuck appropriateness.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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