conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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