so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
