we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
