Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
