I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
