I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
