the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
