Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
