I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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