he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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