It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
