My sheets look like a crime scene.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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