all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
