i just had sex bonerless
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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