I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
