There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
