fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
