my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
