so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
