yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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