im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
