My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
