I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
