so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
