just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
