we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
