Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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