shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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