Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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